THE ART OF CONVERSATION: LISTEN UP!
by Ellen Lubin-Sherman
I often receive phone calls from clients who want to improve their communication skills. They’re worried that they might be doing something that prevents them from making their point and persuading others. They blame problems such as confidence, oratory skills, and mastery of the subject – but what’s really at play is their ability to listen.
Listening is the toughest skill to master. It requires full presence, concentration, and interest in others. It’s work. Great conversationalists know that the most important thing in communication is to listen to what’s not being said. Underneath the words lie the feelings, anxieties, concerns that sit close to the surface, waiting for someone to draw them out. Unfortunately, we’re so busy trying to side-step closeness that we forget the gracious art of meaningful talk.
The best conversationalists understand these basic principles:
- Realize that it’s impossible to have a substantive conversation with someone who’s on their cell phone, reading their blackberry, or doing the dishes. Superficial banter, yes – a heart-to-heart, no.
- Determine the mindset and mood of the person with whom you’re speaking before you call them to tell all the wonderful things you’ve been doing.
- Never use a conversation to outsmart the other person.
- Be sure to inquire about the other person’s availability when placing a call.
- If you’re cranky or don’t wish to be interrupted, let the call go to voicemail. Take responsibility for your lousy mood and don’t spank people with (your) hostility.
- Don’t call people just because you have “exciting news!”
- Look for opportunities to demonstrate your humanity. Don’t hesitate to acknowledge what you’re hearing and see if there’s a way to offer support or counsel.
- Beware of super-predators — people who call to complain, vent, gossip, malign — but never to cheer, champion, support, or listen.
- Whenever possible, use a personal call rather than an e-mail message to offer condolences.
- Don’t even think about calling from a cell phone to offer condolences.
Ellen Lubin-Sherman, president of LAUNCH, Inc. (Short Hills, NJ), is a marketing and communication coach with 20 years’ experience packaging and launching new products and brands into the marketplace. You can reach her at (973) 564-6083, e-mail [email protected], or Web site: www.launchforward.com.