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You either choose your story for yourself or let others choose it for you. As Don Miguel Ruiz reminded us: we can become domesticated into our stories.
This means they’re often not of our own making; as I say, they are gifted to us. Often these stories are so familiar that we’re unaware they even exist, and they can affect us both positively and negatively for a lifetime.
It took a revealing experience in my mid-thirties that caused me to become an independent thinker. In a workshop, I had the highest winning score ever in a betting game designed to teach win/win thinking.
The only instruction they gave, or would give, was to win as much as you can. There was a guy in the corner with a megaphone continually barking out this instruction to the participants.
I dutifully manipulated the game (as instructed) and won more than anyone else by a large measure. Being a lawyer, the game of manipulation came naturally, and of course I generated a number of really upset losers.
During a group de-briefing afterwards, I was asked if I could see that I could have played a win/win game where all participants could prosper. I said sure I could see that—right away in fact—yet I justified my high score by saying, “I was only following instruction! Those were the game rules and we lawyers are trained to follow rules. In addition I was raised by a 6’3” Marine Corps Sergeant. You better believe I learned about following rules early on in life!”
The facilitator then asked me an insanely powerful question: he said “Do you always listen to the noise?” My brain stopped dead in its tracks. Wow. The noise. Why did I blindly follow instruction? What other “rules” am I following that aren’t of my own making? Do they really make sense? As Gurdjieff might ask, “Am I truly an automaton?”
From that day on, I determined to think for myself and to become 100% responsible for my lot in life. I decided I could no longer do the safe thing, the thing I had trained myself to do, the thing I did so well; rather I chose to evolve and do what I should do.
For 17 years as a plaintiff’s attorney, I had been feeding off the story that litigation was how I could make a difference. When I stopped listening to the noise and reality hit, I had a midlife crisis. I couldn’t live my passion using litigation to actualize it. Nobody truly wins a lawsuit. There had to be a better way.
Sometimes we question our sanity when reinventing ourselves. Change is fearful even if it’s exciting—will they let me champion this idea I have? Is this new career or business going to survive? Will I go bankrupt again? Will a competitor put me out of business? Do I really want to do this anymore? Am I too inexperienced to do it? Am I nuts?
If you try to do the exact same thing, the exact same way for the next three—or thirty—years, you’ll be guaranteed to turn into that automaton and regret missed opportunities.
Don’t listen to the noise. Don’t let others decide what your story will be. Think for yourself.
Frequently Asked Questions
How can I tell if I’m following someone else’s “story”?
Look for patterns of behavior or beliefs you repeat without question and consider whether they reflect your values or someone else’s expectations.
What’s a practical first step to thinking for myself?
Pause before automatic reactions, ask why you hold a belief, and test alternatives by trying small, low-risk changes.
How do I handle fear when reinventing my career or life path?
Acknowledge the fear, break the change into manageable steps, and seek feedback from trusted people while keeping responsibility for decisions with yourself.
When is it reasonable to ignore the “noise” and when should I listen?
Question the source and intent of the advice: ignore repetitive pressure that serves others’ interests, but consider informed feedback from those with relevant experience.
Can midlife reinvention be successful after many years in one profession?
Yes; many people successfully pivot by leveraging transferable skills, learning deliberately, and aligning actions with a clarified purpose.