Why we all need honest communication in our business and personal lives.
In his book Just Be Honest, Steven Gaffney believes that withholding thoughts or feelings from others is a form of lying. If we accept this fact, we must admit that all of us lie a good deal of the time. We withhold our thoughts and feelings from our loved ones, friends, clients, suppliers, and colleagues. And, they (including our clients) withhold information from us all the time.
Let’s look into this a little further.
We need to create a business culture in which our clients feel totally comfortable with telling us “everything.” So, I hope you’re in the habit of checking in with your clients on a regular basis to make sure that they’re completely forthcoming with how they feel about doing business with you.
Want a gutsy way to ask this? Say to your clients, “Let’s forget about the market for a minute. We believe we have strong strategies in place for moving forward. Looking at our relationship and my level of service, on a scale of 1 to 10, where am I with you right now?” This should lead to some interesting and important feedback — and probably some nice compliments as well.
NOTICE VS. IMAGINE
The main topic of Just be Honest is the author’s distinction between “Notice/Imagine.” We notice things. We notice the color of someone’s shirt. We notice the specific words someone uses when talking to us, or their tone of voice. We notice things people do. We devote a small amount of our mental energy to noticing things.
Gaffney contends, and I agree, that the bulk of our mental energy is devoted to what we imagine. When we notice that someone has a dark blue shirt on, we “imagine” that they care about being a stylish dresser. If we notice that someone has raised their voice in conversation with us, we imagine that they’re angry with us. When we notice that someone is late to a meeting, we imagine that they don’t respect us enough to show up on time. You get the concept.
Now let’s see what it means to us in our personal and professional lives. Take the second example above: We notice that someone’s voice has been raised during a conversation, and we imagine that they’re angry with us. The truth could be that they feel very passionate about the topic. Or perhaps they’re having a bad day and some little thing that could have little or nothing to do with us set them off.
Take the third example: When we notice someone is late for our meeting, we imagine that they don’t respect our time. Of course, they could have been stuck in traffic or delayed by a previous meeting.
The point is that we live in our imaginations. We imagine our prospects are thinking something about us during a sales meeting. We imagine our clients are mad at us because they’ve been losing money in the market. We imagine our significant other doesn’t like our new haircut because they haven’t complimented us yet.
So, what does knowing that humans live in their imagination a great deal of the time mean for us? How can we use this information in our business and personal lives?
Here’s a brief story that illustrates this important concept of Notice/Imagine. I used to date a woman who was very indirect in her style of communication — so indirect that I lived quite a bit in my imagination with her. We had numerous conversations like this:
Nancy: “Bill, are you hungry?”
Bill: “No, not right now. Thanks.”
(30 minutes later)
Nancy: “Bill, are you hungry yet?”
Bill: “Nope, not yet.”
Of course she was hungry and telling me so in her indirect way. I was imagining that she was just inquiring about me — and my hunger.
PUT IT ALL TOGETHER
We know that people (including our prospects and clients) often withhold their thoughts and feelings from us, and that we live in our imaginations most of the time. This isn’t a great setup for a trusting relationship, is it?
The most important ingredient in a healthy relationship — business or personal — is an environment that encourages the truth. Why do most people withhold? Quite often it’s because they fear (imagine) the reaction by the other party. Yet, if you communicate your truth with tact, their reaction is very seldom as bad as imagined.
There are two main action steps you should take from this article:
1. Keep checking in with your clients (as discussed earlier). Don’t assume that they’re happy with every aspect of your advice and service. Ask them. Don’t assume that they’re angry with you during a bear market. Ask them.
2. Express your truth to everyone, as best you can. It’s not always easy to tell people what you think and feel about them and their behavior. However, what’s the alternative?
When we don’t express our truth, it often leads to resentment toward the other person. When we begin to resent them, nothing they do is right. And it’s our fault for not expressing our truth! We get so hung up on “being right” about their behavior that we never give them a chance. One of the most common killers of relationships (business or personal) is when one or more of the parties don’t express their truth. I’ll illustrate this with another brief story and then let you get back to work.
Hank was a buddy of mine for more than 20 years. We hung out in high school and college together. We were best friends. Then he did something I didn’t like. I was angry. And I didn’t tell him. We slowly drifted apart. Why didn’t I tell him how I felt? Not sure. I guess I was just into being right and angry with him. Then, about a year ago, after seven years of not talking to him, he called me up and asked to meet with me. He asked me if I was angry with him. We talked about it and cleared the air. He apologized for doing something that angered me. I apologized for not speaking up in the first place. Now we’re best buds again.
How many personal and professional relationships have you killed — or severely wounded — by not telling your truth?
You know it’s not good to assume what other people are thinking and feeling. And you know that people can’t read your mind. So be courageous and check in with others more often!