We aren't born to withhold; we had to learn this behavior. And if we learned it, we can unlearn it. Mitch Axelrod teaches you how to become more aware, more conscious of how, what, and from whom you withhold.
How do you govern how much of yourself you share with others? What do you hold back from yourself or withhold from others, the sharing of which would enrich you and them? What payoff do we get from withholding? There's always a payoff, or we wouldn't withhold:
- Emotional payoff — we avoid vulnerability and feel safe
- Psychological payoff — we can exert power, maintain control, or take a victim posture
- Physical payoff — sickness and illness get attention, compassion, and sympathy
- Systemic and extrinsic payoff — much more on these in the “bread” ahead
- Financial payoff — not earning what we're worth, not paying ourselves, or repaying others
What we don't get is spiritual payoff. The spirit doesn't intend for us to withhold. Withholding is anti-ecological and robs the market and the universe of potential. “Negative payoff” prevents us from experiencing our potential. Withholding is a negative payoff. It's so widespread that nearly everyone can relate to it. I'm guilty of it and more than likely you are, too. This isn't a bad thing. It's just a human thing.
We're not perfect and never will be. Yet, most of us strive like crazy to attain perfection in some area of life. Perfection is the grandest illusion of them all, the ultimate lose/lose paradigm, and a major source of withholding. It's a classic no-win situation.
If you fall short of the “perfect you,” you've failed. If by some chance you achieve perfection, you barely have time to enjoy it because the next thing you do is raise the bar even higher. Since perfection is a concept, we can never actually get there. There's always a way to make it more perfect. Aren't we all supposed to aim for perfection?
One of the ways we withhold is by waiting until something or someone is perfect before we take the action, accept the person, or express love.
Conditional acceptance has become the primary way that people relate in today's world. Conditional love is a silent, worldwide epidemic. Conditional acceptance and conditional love are the ultimate withholds.
Before they massacred 15 people and wounded dozens more at Columbine, the two killers made a videotape in one of their bedrooms. One of them looked right into the camera and said [paraphrased], “I'll bet my parents are going to be shocked that all this could be going on right in their own house. They'll wonder why they never asked me what was going on, what I was doing, why they never asked me any questions.”
In today's world withholding interest, caring, acceptance, and love from children can have tragic consequences.
We aren't born to withhold; we had to learn this behavior. And if we learned it, we can unlearn it. We can start to become more aware, more conscious of how, what, and from whom we withhold (starting with ourselves and those we love).
How do you withhold? What do you withhold? From whom do you withhold? How does withholding create the feeling or illusion of safety, power, or control, or protect you from being vulnerable? How does it get you what you think you want? How does it interfere with what you really want?
When we make these distinctions life improves. We become integrated beings whose thoughts become energy that's constantly being transformed. When we shift the atoms of consciousness, we alter the chemistry of the body, creating a new reality. This holistic mind/body/spirit connection results in an enriched life, and more prosperous living in every sense of the term.
Spend some time observing how you withhold from yourself and others. This might be hard, and uncomfortable. I don't know anyone who ever died from hard, or uncomfortable self-examination. Don't judge, criticize, or condemn — just pay attention!
If “withhold” shows up, try to uncover the negative payoff lurking underneath. Then, love yourself for having the courage to pay attention, and acknowledge it. This is a breakthrough. Congratulations! And, remember to pat yourself on the back.